“Not bad, good job”, the compliment that does not work

“Not bad, good job.” Those are the words a CEO I coach uses when he is proud of his team. He told me in a back-to-school session — the August 23rd executive committee meeting had not gone well. His team had reacted badly. He wanted to understand what he had said, what he had done, to adjust.

What our brain retains first

Our brain holds on to the word we say even when preceded by “not.” Tell someone not to think about an elephant, and they think of an elephant. So “not bad” leaves “bad” in memory.

And “good job” stays polite, impersonal, with little real effect. It says nothing about what you saw, what you felt, what truly impressed you. It creates no connection.

One exercise that changes everything: start with “I”

With this CEO, one shift was enough: starting with “I.” I think you should be proud of yourselves. I am genuinely glad we got that product launched on time.

Another CEO I work with, in the middle of reorganizing his board, opened his back-to-school meeting differently: “I need you. I will not be able to do this alone.” Instant, total attention. Energy shifted to the collective, away from the small politics that had been quietly lingering.

Back to school — the right moment to change one sentence

This is not semantics. This is not a management gimmick. If you want to generate engagement, start by committing yourself to what you are saying to them whether it is positive or much less so.

Which sentence will you change this week with your team, or with your children?